This date two years ago I found out I was pregnant.
I knew from that day onwards my life was going to change.
I still remember it so clearly, I had been doing tests for weeks because I had symptoms that I was pregnant, my friends and family kept telling me to continue to take them and I took one that morning as the last try.
I went for a wee that morning and took the test straight away because apparently your first wee of the day is best to test with, who knows how true that is? But anyway I did and after I saw the results I was in complete shock. Although I had been testing for weeks I still didn’t believe it myself that I was pregnant but the lines showed me I was.
I remember sitting on the toilet and just froze, the lines came up so quickly too. The first thing I did was sent a picture of the tests to my Mum and said “What does this mean?” It felt like an hour had gone by and she hadn’t even replied. So I called her, crying my eyes out and hollaring at her to look at the picture. I kept shouting at her for taking so long to reply to which she said it’s been 3 minutes since you sent me the photo to then calling me. Whoops. She then went on to tell me to get off the toilet, calm down and call work to tell them I’d be late in today.
I called work and spoke to one of my favourite people at work, in the world for that matter. I call her my work mum so she already had an incling of what was going on, she answered to me being a mess still. I just told her “Something’s happened, I’ll be a bit late today” and she told me to just take my time and come in when I can. I got off the phone to her and continued to cry, I tried to make myself a coffee but felt like the kettle was taking forever so I gave up with that. I got in the shower and sorted myself out ready for my day at work. By the time I was dressed I had stopped and started crying about 50 times. I had tried to call my boyfriend at the time (Lennon’s dad) but he wasn’t answering, I had also been texting a few family and friends too. I decided to just leave and walk to work slowly and try sort myself on the way. On my way to work that day all I saw was pregnant people, which made me cry every time I saw them. By the time I got to work I had controlled my crying until I got through the doors and saw my Jem Jem. Tears came again but this time someone was with me to cuddle me, to help me feel a bit more at ease and to just talk to me about it.
We (Me, Jem & Ruby) were sat in the office and I was talking to them about what had happened that morning, who I had told and what I wanted to do. I automatically said I would keep it, I was obviously super scared but I knew I could do it. I had been with my boyfriend for 7 years and I thought it would make our not so great relationship better. I stayed with them in the office for about 2 hours, crying still of course. After that I went into work like nothing had happened until I had to leave at 3 for a doctor’s appointment.
The doctor was fucking useless, she kept telling me how much she doesn’t really like her children, she’s not keen on being a mum and when I left the room she said “Sorry the pill didn’t work” whilst laughing.
After I got home from work I then went home, I had already previously told my dad he needs to come round because I needed to speak to him urgently (He had already guessed what had happened). That night I treated myself to a KFC, which made me feel a whole lot better. When I arrived home with my KFC I got home to my dad and sister sitting there, I cried yet again. My sister was at the point ready to pop with my niece Mae, who was actually born on the 19th May. I then went on to tell them what’s been going on and what I wanted to do.
I decided to keep the baby, I have always had a bad feeling about abortion. I am not against it at all because people need to do what they feel is right but I have always been scared if I was to abort and then never fall pregnant again. My mind was made up and by the point I just needed to talk to my boyfriend. I had spoken to him a bit during the day but he was in just as much shock as me.
That night laying in bed I felt so much emotion, I was angry at myself for not being more careful as I had planned to go travelling for a year in Australia with a friend. Then I felt this rush of love and thought about everything I can do with the baby, holidays etc. My best friend was living in Ireland at the time which made the whole process so much harder for me. I was googling how much a passport would be and how quickly I can fly with a baby. I then started to look for a pram, one that I can take on the plane easily and one that’s adorable. That night I found my dream buggy, I had my heart set on it from day one and I got that buggy and still use it now. I then looked at flights to Ireland to go and see my bestie, if I could fly etc. As you can probably tell I didn’t sleep that much that night, of for the whole week after that.
I felt so many emotions this day; sad, angry, confused, guilty, unloved, loved, happy, excited. I was mad that I didn’t plan this, that the novelty of finding out I was pregnant after I had been trying was gone. I wanted to go travelling, I felt that the baby would ruin my life but then also felt excited that I can so many other things. I felt unloved because of a certain someone but then so loved by the ones that truly cared about me. Guilty because I’m wasn’t in my own home, didn’t drive, not on good money, I worried that I wouldn’t be a good Mum. I was overall so confused by everything, my mind was playing tricks on me and making me think all sorts of things.
That day changed my life forever and I wouldnt change it for anything. Lennon is my life and soul, I cherish every single moment with him. I love watching him grow and develop every day and he is really becoming such a character. He has the best personality with such a kind heart, he can be a fiesty but I think he got that from Me. I am so proud of him but most of all I am proud of Myself. I didn’t have the easiest pregnancy, labour, start to being a Mum but I personally think I’m bossing it. We are healthy, have a roof over our heads, go on plenty of days out and lots of holidays. Doing things on your own is hard and I wouldn’t of been able to do it without my amazing family and friends. I’m far from perfect but I am pretty close right!
There is a lot more details of things that went on with Me and Lennon’s dad but he is irrelevant to our lives at the moment so no one’s needs to know about him. One day I hope he changes his mind and wants to be there for Lennon. Most importantly Lennon deserves a Dad in his life.
I am now going to go have a bath and probably cry whilst looking through all of our photos!
Thank you so much for reading, I hope you liked it.
Don’t forget to comment, like and follow.