“Stars can’t shine without darkness”
This isn’t something I have written about before so please bare with me as I am finding it super difficult to express how it’s really made me feel.
I have suffered with anxiety and depression before but managed to help myself cope with things. But since being pregnant and having Lennon I have found I suffer with anxiety a lot. I have good and bad days just like everyone else.
Recently as you all know I have been on holiday, taking my baby abroad for the first time triggered a lot of anxiety. I was constantly worrying about a variety of things; what to pack, will his ears hurt, what if I run out of money? Silly things really as they can all be solved but I didn’t think of that then.
My anxiety had calmed down a lot on holiday, I guess the sun and happy atmosphere helped me. Then the day before we came home it all kicked off again, worrying about our flight home. Now I am home I have no idea why I was so worried as travelling with a baby seemed so easy with Lennon, he coper so well.
Since I have been back Lennon has stopped sleeping so well at night, literally awake the majority of the night. We all know that lack of sleep will cause all sorts of problems. This is when the depression started kicking in, I had no motivation for anything, mood swings were crazy (Sorry Gavin) and I felt like I wasn’t bonding well with Lennon.
I was getting worked up over the smallest things, like the steriliser wasn’t sterilising the bottles quick enough, or the fact my dog was breathing to heavy (Sorry Riley). Like those things do NOT need to be cried over but I did. I was putting Lennon in his high chair/swing/laying him on the floor instead of holding him or playing. It wasn’t like I was doing anything as I was just watching shit tv (very first series of Towie). I wasn’t getting any house work done which also made me feel worse as I love to be in a clean and tidy home. So Lennon wasn’t happy as I am normally so bubbly and fun, that made him more wingey and cry more which cause Mum guilt. Most awful thing. I cried again.
Motherhood is hard. Like trying to start a fire in the rain hard. No one tells you about these things when you are pregnant, they warn you about other obvious things instead.
After speaking to another Mummy and My Bestfriend I felt a lot better and not alone. (Thank you so much, you know who you are)
It wasn’t until today that I realised how bad it had got. Lennon slept through until 5:30am and I had so much energy. I have been motivated all day and got the back date of holiday washing and house work done. Lennon has been so much happier too.
Moral of the story (this blog) is that it is ok to not be ok for a while, there is light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better. There is a lot worse things happening in the world and our life is pretty damn good considering.
I hope I didn’t upset anyone in anything I have said, I only want to help people realise that these things happen and its ok.
If any of you ever need someone to talk/rant to then please don’t hesitate to talk to me. I am a great listener.
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